I know I've kind of disappeared, but trust me, it's not just been from xanga, it's pretty much been from the world. I really want this post to be about how much I've come to realize over the past 6 weeks. & not just for my sake but for girls who have gone through, are going through & probably will go through the same exact thing that I am. Okay, maybe not the EXACT but pretty damn close.

Back in August, I thought I had the world. I'd finally let go of my not so best friend, I had a job, I was going to Maine, a trip paid for solely by myself, & I was completely in love with my boyfriend of 3 years. Everything was great. So I left for my trip right, the day I left, Doug, my boyfriend got sick, and couldn't come with me. So I left him at my house, throwing up, because he insisted that I leave, that I shouldn't give up the trip. Believe me, I left crying. I wanted to stay, but I spent $300 on those plane tickets. I cried the entire time at the air port, and every air port until I got there, I cried on the phone with my mom, I cried on the phone with him. But I got there, and I had fun. Tons of it. Except I missed him, so much, I wanted to come home every single night. I was only there for a week, but it felt like it was foreverrrr. I left on a tuesday, & that thursday, he called me & he was kind of weird, he didn't seem like his normal self. But I chalked it up as him missing me. So I let him know that I missed him too, and that I would be home soon. Well, it seemed like it got better over the next few days until that monday, the day before I was coming home. He picked a huge fight with me and told me that things were just different & that we were going to talk about it when I got home, he didn't want to ruin my trip. So, he told me he wanted to get off the phone and I asked him if he was even going to tell me that he loved me & he told me no. Obviously I was furious, I sat there in shock, crying, and said "So you're gonna let me get on that plane tomorrow and not even tell me that you love me? My plane could crash & I could die." & he goes "Well I'm not saying it. I just want to go to bed." I proceeded to hang up on him. I didn't speak to him again. & I didn't speak to him when I got home.

I knew something was wrong, looking back, it was weird for Doug to be that way. I mean, he is the moodiest guy I've ever met, but I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me he loved me. So when he called Wednesday night, he told me that he was sorry as soon as I answered the phone, & then like..not even 5 minutes into the conversation, he said "I just don't think this is going to work anymore." & I said "This what?" & he said "Us. Our relationship." I got defensive, I feel like I should have because as far as I'm concerned, this was out of nowhere. I figured we would be fine when I got home. I figured there was just stuff going on at his house. I never expected him to leave me.

To shorten this story a little, he ended up telling me it was because of school. Lie number one. He gave me at least 4 other excuses after that one, ones that I don't even remember because they were that stupid. It wasn't until 2 weeks ago to the day that he finally admitted that he didn't love me anymore. Honestly, I still think it's bullshit & it might be because I'm heartbroken, but whatever, it's bullshit to me. But bullshit or not, it hurt. So much. I gave this boy my LIFE. I gave him everything. I was ready to marry him. & I'm not even 18 yet.


So basically, the past 2 weeks for me have been hell. I hate the thought of any other girl going through this, really, I do. Because I'm that girl. I'm the girl that swore to herself up & down, everyday, that she'd never let her boyfriend walk all over her. I never thought I was that person until I've stepped back & watched myself over him the past 6 weeks. I've been ridiculous. & I know it, you girls who are doing the same thing I've done, I know you don't want to hear it. I know you think that it'll change, & sometimes it does. You probably won't even listen to me because I'm not sure I'd listen to me if I saw this written from some other girl. But if you do listen, when people tell you he's not worth it, he's probably not. I can't tell you how many times I came up with a million excuses as to why Doug was worth it. Except you have to think about it, if this guy was worth it, why would he treat you the way he does, right? Why would you be miserable every time you get off the phone with him? Why would your days revolve around whether you were gonna talk to him or see him? Why would you wait up all night for a phone call you don't receive? I did it all. I might do it again even, I can't tell you what I'll do if he decides to come back, but I hope to God that I look back on this & remember that he did all that stuff to me. He wasn't abusive, he wasn't exactly mean, he didn't do hateful things, but he wasn't right. He didn't treat me as good as I treated him. He didn't appreciate me, he took me for granted & he's kept me strung along for the last almost 2 months. Don't do it to yourself. It's not worth it, and you will find someone else. It might not be now, it might not be 6 months from now, it might not even be a year from now, but you WILL. Because there's someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. & in the time frame that you're single, take that as time to find yourself, to think about everything that happened in that relationship, to figure out what you do & don't want in a guy. Take that time to love yourself for who you are & realize that whatever guy is right for you, would never dream of walking all over you like that guy did. We're all beautiful, some of us just take a little longer to realize how much worth we really have. I know it took me a long long time, and I'm still on my way.

Just be strong, listen to your heart, even if you're confused. It will tell you the truth. You might feel lost, and that's okay, cause we all get a little lost sometimes. Never forget who you are. If you're not sure who you are, step away from the world, I'm serious, I did it, look really deep within yourself. And I know it'll be really hard not to talk to him, but that's what you have to do. You have to not talk to him, not see him, nothing. Because if you do, you'll never get better, you'll always have that hope that maybe, just maybe, that day he'll decide that he wants to be with you again. You deserve better than waiting on some guy that's willing to string you along. So whenever you feel like you're gonna call him, or go see him, or try to see him somehow, just be mad at him. I know you won't want to, but be mad at him. Don't hate him, just think about what he's done to you, and think about how much better than that you are, it works. I've spent all this time doing it and it's helped me realize so much. I'm gonna quit rambling now, but really, I swear to you, all of you, that you are better than that. If any of you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'll try as much as I can, if you just need someone to listen to you, I'll do it. If you need someone to get your mind off of it, I'll talk. Don't be afraid. We'll get through this. We just have to realize it won't be over night, it's a process & it's a day by day kind of thing. There will be bad days, but the good days make up for it.

I love every single one of you, so when you feel like no one in the world does, there is someone. There always is.

So I know it's been a while & I should really do some quotes, but today I'm just kind of..not in the mood, I'm not even in my writing down quotes phase at the moment. Today is just a day where I need somewhere to put my thoughts, so someone who doesn't know me can read them & judge my life by what they read in my writing. I think sometimes people just need people from the outside to look in on their lives & I'm in one of those moods. So here goes.


There's nothing wrong with my life.Not anymore. I've accepted that what is in my life is what I have. What is wrong with my life is what is wrong with my life. & that sounds sort of hypocritical because I started saying there was nothing, but now I'm saying there is. Well, there are things I don't like & those could be considered wrong, but I don't consider it that. They're just thinks that make me unhappy sometimes. I enjoy the life I live, I've grown up a lot in the past 3 years, & I completely believe that it has everything to do with the boy I've been with since I was 14. He's made me realize that I can be a whole lot better than I thought I could be.

I'm still the person I used to be, still the person who lets people walk all over here, & does whatever she can to make other people's lives better, but not her own. I've somewhat accepted that I can no longer put off growing up, I'm almost 18 years old & growing up is not an option now, it's no longer a choice, it's just gonna have to happen. I have to get my GED, & I have to get my license & I have to actually do something with my life.

I've learned in the past year that I can no longer push my stepfather away in hopes that my real father will grow up & be my dad. I've learned that my stepfather has proven that he finally deserves my acceptance, & pains me that I learned that because he got sent to Afghanistan. I feel like if I let people in my life know that I'm finally okay with him, they'll say it's because he's over there & I can hide from how I really feel. But it's not true. When he left, I didn't want him to go, I cried. & for the first time in years, I told him that I loved him. I haven't emailed him while he's been over there because I'm afraid that I'll want to tell him all of this & I don't want to do it when he's thousands of miles away. These months that he's going to be gone are just taking so long, & I want him to be home so that I can tell him how I really feel.  


My best friend, who I've written about on here before, is somewhat no longer a part of my life. I'm not sure why I still call her my best friend because we're far from what we used to be. I don't think that I want her in my life any longer, & that hurts because she's been there for like 4 years. I just don't know how much more she can put me through. I don't know how much more of her crap I can put up with. She hit a whole new level of being a hypocrite lately & I haven't even talked to her in a week because I want nothing to do with her over this. It hurt me & I know she'll find someway to turn it around on me & make it my fault. So I can't even talk to her about it, I'll just ignore the situation like I've had to do for the past couple years.


I think my ranting is through. Thanks to however bothered to read my ramblings.

[one]
But, the people who truly love you are those who love you inspite of the crazy things you do.

[two]
If someone had told me that this is where I would end up today, I would have never believed them.

[three]
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.

[four]
There are the moments I know Heaven must exist. There are the moments I know all I need is this.

[five]
Sometimes we seek that which we are not ready to find.

i want to be told that i can fix this. i want to be told that everything will be fine. i want to be told that this is just another phase that will pass with time. but how can i expect someone to tell me that, when i can't even tell myself that? -- my life.

one;
There's only one me in the galazy, I am an endangered species, this kind of flower doesn't grow on Earth, just letting you know for what it's worth.

two;
I feel like there is a layer of sadness in me & it just won't go away.

three;
She's sitting on a bridge starring down at the water. She's too afraid to jump, but so afraid to stay.

four;
He will never find someone like her, in the same way that she will never find someone like him. Sure there will be others who come along, but none will ever compare to what those two had.

;five.
Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain.

six;
You'll ask me what's wrong & I'll tell you that I'm fine, inside I'm a mess but on the outside, I can still shine.

seven;
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say & can't, & the other half who have nothing to say & keep saying it.

eight;
I still see your bright eyes & I've always loved you. & it all comes down to you, it all comes down to you.

nine;
You don't always win your battles, but it's good to know you fought.

ten;
Before you go, listen to the things I have to say. Before you judge me, don't let your pain judge me this way. Before you leave, give me just a second to explain all the things I'm feeling inside.